mean mommy

this is a post that i have been wanting to do for a while. i call it "mean mommy" but it is really "strict daddy and mommy" - think zero tolerance. matt and i have some fairly strict rules around the house. we follow 'love and logic' for our parenting inspiration and it has been wonderful for madelyn (hopefully, it will work well with mason too). the great thing is that we get no "that's not fair" whining.

probably the strictest house rule is that any toys not put away before bed will not be there in the morning. we tell her that if she doesn't take care of them then we will take them away. the amazing thing is that most nights madelyn says that she doesn't want her toys - and she really doesn't! the only toys she has shown any real interest in taking care of are her mr. potato head set and her flash cards (yes, the educational kind). not to say that she hasn't had time without these but it hasn't happened recently. she can earn them back by cleaning up, as a reward when she behaves in a way that helps me or if i just want to reward her good behavior.

whenever madelyn asks where a toy is (and it is very rare that she brings this up despite the fact that she has almost no toys left) we ask if she put it away (even if it is something that we haven't taken away - yet). then she says, "no, i didn't take care of it and you took it away". and that is usually the end of it. there is the odd occasion where the conversation begins with her saying, "you took away my toy," slightly angry, but i ask her "what happened?" and she changes her tune very quickly. she tells me sadly that she didn't take care of it. there have not been any fits about this - so far.

and this doesn't just apply to cleaning. if she chooses to kick, throw, or in any way not "take care" of something; it is gone. often there is no warning. i just walk over and remove it calmly without saying a word; she knows why.

we are trying to decide what we are going to do with all the removed toys. we are going to give some back as holiday and birthday presents (we aren't buying new toys when she can't take care of the things she has) and are thinking that anything she doesn't earn back in a month or two goes to goodwill or another charity. the other slight problem with this will be policing between her and mason if one cleans and one doesn't, but i think the rule will be the same and the other will have to choose to pick up the slack with cleaning to keep the toys. after all, life isn't fair. of course, we may try to find other ways to reward the extra effort.

another house rule is that you have to go to your room to "calm down" when you are choosing to throw a fit. and she has to walk there. she gets to choose whether her door stays open or close while she calms down. we haven't had to do this yet, but coming out of her room before being calm means that she chooses to have the door closed (and locked). when she comes back from calming down we greet her with excitement, hugs, and smiles. i usually tell her that i missed her and am glad that she is ready to be with us again.

we will leave any public place if she is having trouble listening (i think that we have only done this once).

let's see, what other rules...

she can paint her finger (and toe) nails when she stops sucking her thumb. she went three days without sucking her thumb before breaking down. now she says that she doesn't want to paint her nails.

she can chew gum when she can spit out her toothpaste while brushing her teeth.

spilled/dropped food is not replaced.

if she doesn't like dinner she doesn't have to eat it, but there won't be any other options until she tries everything to our satisfaction. she has chosen to eat no dinner a few times, but not recently. in fact, she has been really excited about trying new foods.

there is always some new phase that throws us a new curve ball to figure out. now she has been yelling "no" at mason when he looks at her in the car.

i know that matt and i aren't perfect parents (after all, who is?). we do seem to be having great success with 'love and logic' and i would highly recommend it. i almost never yell (like i said, i am not perfect), in fact, whispering is very effective and when i do yell i apologize to her. it is nice not to be too stressed about discipline. of course i get a little stressed about the effects of being so strict, but we aren't strict across the board. we are most focused on personal responsibility. we often tell her that she can't control what anyone else does, just what she does.

don't get me wrong, there is a lot of love in our house and madelyn gets lots and lots of affection. we actually don't have to discipline her very often at all. i think that is because of our consistency and clear rules. she knows that we love her even when she makes bad choices. love.